Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Swearing at Bible Study and Waiting

Today at Bible study I swore.

The swearing part isn't new.  I tend to swear much more than my husband likes.  Swearing while at Bible study is new.  I don't recommend it.

It happened because someone asked me how the adoption was going. It was a fair question. We pray for each other and they wanted to know if there has been any progress, because they have been praying.

I was honest. 
Maybe a little too honest.

I said, "My attitude toward the entire process sucks right now.  I am really angry and frustrated and just really pissed off.  All the time, I am just pissed."

Nice, I swore twice, in the same breath.

I am. I am really angry that this is taking FOREVER.  I want my kids home NOW. I'm tired of waiting, my husband is tired of waiting, my children at home are tired of waiting, my friends are tired of waiting.

Waiting sucks.

The real problem is not that I am angry, but who I am angry with.
I am angry with God.
He really isn't being very quick on this whole adoption thing. Why won't He open doors so my kids can come home?  Why does He want us to wait? Why doesn't He do anything?

We're working through this anger, God and I.
It's ok to be angry, but I don't want to be stuck here. It doesn't feel good. It grieves me and I know it grieves my Heavenly Father. 
I am completely human, and I am living through this very human anger. 
I spend a lot of time in prayer, a lot of time in the word, and a lot of time with my very supportive and praying friends. It's a process.

In all honesty, I don't even have a good way to end this post. 
I'm angry.
God is working in me. He is growing me. I am going to come out of this a better person.
In this I have complete faith.